Girl
by PigletandPooh
Summary: It seemed to him now that there had always been a pull between them, drawing him silently and inescapably to her. How he hadn't felt it's constant tugging, how he didn't realise where it was all leading- it was unfathomable now. Because with her gone, with that undefinable link severed, he was all too attuned to it's absence. And how completely alone he truly was. (Part II of III)


He had pushed out of the door before he even knew where he was going. He just had to get out of there. Had to get away from their watchful eyes and soft murmurs and suffocating sympathy. He didn't need it; or them. He didn't need anyone or anything. He was better off alone. Always had been.

He hadn't needed his mother guiding him or disciplining him or lecturing him. He hadn't needed his father's disapproving looks or spells of punishment to straighten him out. He hadn't needed any of his teachers docking points or giving reprimands or expressing quiet concerns. He didn't even need Remus or Peter shooting him worried glances and offering him their support. He especially didn't need Lily trying to coax him into talking about his emotions. James was the only one who had ever seemed to understand. He wasn't being proud or stubborn or even cowardly. He just dealt better with things alone. Maybe there was something wrong with him. Something that made it near impossible for him to ever really show his friends what he was feeling in anything other than guarded expressions and veiled looks.

And yet here he was stumbling down the Potter's driveway; gasping and choking all at once. He was a mess. An absolute mess. Had he ever so completely lost control? He couldn't ever recall feeling quite so lost. Maybe after that last evening at his darling mother's house? The night he finally decided to leave that freak show of a home? But no; not even then. Even as he had stumbled out of those iron gates; their shadows falling ominously across his face; determinedly ignoring his mother's shrill screams behind him and trying to focus his broom; even then, he had known where he was heading. He had no idea where he was going now.

At least it was cold out. He would remember that in the years to come. How cold the air was that night. How his breaths, ragged and uneven, coiled in clouds of foggy steam in front of his face. He could see all of the stars. No clouds to hide their innocent twinkling, to cloak the world in some form of warmth.

No, there was no warmth in the night. None in the cool light of the moon. None in the icy crystals clinging to the crisp grass under his feet. None in the frosty breeze, biting and nipping at his face. It was odd the details of that night that stuck with him. He couldn't really remember any of the conversations he had or what he had said to his friends when they told him. But he remembered standing in that driveway; his hands limp by his side as he marvelled at how drastically the temperature had dropped.

Almost as cold as the damp cell he would come to inhabit for twelve dark years. They were surprisingly similar; the same empty, hopeless chill seeping through his bones. So similar that he could close his eyes and he was back; thirteen years earlier, standing in the flickering lamplight and feeling his life crash around him. Or maybe he'd never left.

It was hard to say with dementors.

He breathed in deeply; his frantic pace slowing somewhat as the night air chilled his lungs, cooling and soothing his racing pulse somewhat. It seemed the full icy breaths were doing wonders for his clarity. No longer a melting pot of boiling emotions and indirection; he took one final breath. He knew where he was going. It was a marvel he hadn't realised from the start.

"Sirius! Sirius wait, where are you going?"

Small hands gripped at him; their hold startlingly strong. He blinked down at their owner; for one second; one glorious moment, allowing himself to believe they belonged to someone else; allowing himself to imagine blonde hair in the place of red; hazel eyes in the place of green. But then Lily grabbed his face; focusing his attention on her own tear soaked face, and the illusion was shattered.

"Go back inside." He managed to mutter; wrenching himself free of her.

She winced at the motion, falling back slightly. Footsteps pounded down the pavement behind them. Sirius kept moving. They would try and stop him. They would say it was madness. Wonder why he would put himself through it. Lily turned in desperation to the newcomer; still clutching her wrist and motioning frantically for them to stop Sirius.

"Sirius! Mate this isn't you! There's nothing you can do-"

This new hand was stronger; harder to break free of, but Sirius managed it. Nothing was holding him back. Nothing was stopping him. Determination burned like fire in his chest and he knew that he would do anything to be free of them; free to go to her, to come to her like he knew she wanted. They didn't understand it- or him- or her, really. Not even Lily. Not like he had understood Marlene. He didn't care what they thought. She was what was important to him. He knew that now. It was his one devastatingly complete truth.

And he had realised it far too late.

She had deserved better. So much better than his half promises and uncertainties and well wishes and good intentions that just fell too fucking short to be good enough. _He_ fell too short to be good enough.

And here he was again. Arriving too late, letting her down, falling too fucking short.

Might as well end it like it started.

* * *

><p>Straightening up after the shakiest apparition he had ever endured; Sirius felt his breath leave him in a rush, his knees buckling as he fell to the ground. The scene in front of him was busy; sombre faced Aurors all over the grounds; waving their wands and talking in hushed voices. The McKinnon's were well known. Her Dad had been pretty high up in the Auror Department. Odds were many of these men had known Marlene and her siblings since she was young. They appeared not to notice the sudden appearance of a man in their midst, crumpled on the lawn and staring up at the house like a soul who had just lost his religion.<p>

It was real. It was all so real. There it was, right in front of him and within walking distance. The house that she had grown up in; snuck out of; fought with her brother and sister; the place where she'd lost her parents in fifth year. The walls were their familiar rustic whitewash; ivy creeping up the sides and draping the entire house in a rich green. _This_ place still remembered her. This place where she'd lived and breathed only four hours ago. Where her footsteps had fallen softly when she crept downstairs for hot chocolate in the night, and where they had stomped heavily to her room after failing her summer exams. Where she had laughed and whispered and cried and yelled. These walls held her entire childhood; her entire life. And now they held her last moments on this earth.

He remembered helping her sneak out of that window over the canopy, catching her as she jumped; trying to shush her drunken giggles whilst trying to keep his own laughter in check; terrified and yet exhilarated at the thought that her parents might wake up; or worse, her brother. He remembered that feeling of invincibility. They were young and free and the world was at their feet. They could run anywhere; be anybody they wanted, do anything they felt like. The night was theirs.

He remembered coming to visit her after the death of her parents. He remembered stroking her silky hair, trying to think of comforting things to say as she sobbed into his shirt. He had been worse than useless; just standing there for the entire affair and letting Lily take over. He remembered being so relieved when James and Peter and Remus came; glad that the pressure would no longer be solely on him to say something to fill those painful silences where it looked like Marlene was going to crumble into herself again. Relief mingled with crippling guilt; he knew he had no right to feel so miserable. He hadn't lost his parents. And he couldn't really imagine being devastated at their loss either. But then Marlene's parents had been different. They would have had to be to make someone like her. Someone so blindly trusting and goofy and goddamn smiley. He had met them once or twice; off the Hogwarts Express, at dinners.

They had seemed nice. And they obviously had adored Marlene. That was enough for him.

He remembered turning up drunkenly one night during the sixth year holidays and shouting up at her window. It was that flowerbed; right there by the front door; _that_ was the pot he had stumbled over and that was the flowerbed that her brother had found him in in the morning, devastation and crumbled Petunias in his wake. He had never woken up more hungover, colder and more embarrassed than the morning Henry had forcefully kicked him of their property and banned him from ever coming back. James had loved that story.

Henry had never really warmed to him though.

An errant thought entered his brain and coiled his stomach. Henry was somewhere in those walls too; somewhere behind all those busy Aurors, his face pale and forever still, cast in the eerie green glow of the dark mark that hung ominously over the McKinnon house. He would have tried to protect Marlene. As soon as he realised what was happening; he would have tried to shield her. Henry and Sirius may have had many differences; but Sirius always respected him for that. He loved his sister more than anything. Coming from a messed up home like his, he knew all too well the difference family could make.

And Marlene. His thoughts shattered with realisation that she was near. Her lifeless form was hidden from him behind those windows and walls, waiting for him. Somewhere she was lying against the cold floor; her hair fanned around her, her fingers limp and eerily still. He would have to come to her. She would wait though.

So excruciatingly close to him; so much so that he need only find the strength to get up and find her and he could hold her again; stroke her hair and whisper everything he should have spent a lifetime telling her.

But when he found her, she would be cold. Her eyes wouldn't sparkle and twinkle back at him. They would be dull and lifeless; unseeing and uncaring. Her lips wouldn't pull back in a grin or even a scowl. They would remain icy; carved from stone. He could whisper to her for an eternity; she would never hear him. She would remain unfeeling. As much as he desperately wanted to communicate with her, to begin his thousand apologies for the millions of ways he had let her down; he began to feel that what he really wanted was for her to communicate with him.

To tell him she loved him and forgave him. That she'd always loved him and always would. That this changed nothing. To tell him everything. Every thought she'd had before he'd known her. Every thought and feeling she'd ever had from the day they'd met, to four hours ago; when her last thought had faded into nothing and blackness. He was afraid that not knowing what it had been would drive him to madness.

Was that even possible? Could it only have been four hours? It was remarkable that so many lives could be wrenched apart in such a short space of time. Her sister was married wasn't she? He wondered vaguely if her husband was alive somewhere; picking up the pieces of his broken life. Maybe, if he was lucky.

If not; he was probably inside with them.

A loud crack splitting through the night woke him with a jolt. What was he doing, kneeling on the grass and moping like a lunatic? He was wasting time. He knew his friends would try and stop him and now they had found him; James apparating on scene seconds after Lily materialised to his left. So she had guessed where he would come first. Marlene was her best-friend in the whole world. He couldn't imagine that Lily hadn't entertained the thought of coming here too.

"It won't help Sirius. Not her or you." She whispered; her voice faint but carrying on the wind. She never lifted her eyes from the smoky skull coiling above the house; it's sickly green a pale imitation of her brilliant emeralds. She stood transfixed by it; seemingly unable to tear her eyes away from it's presence above Marlene's home.

"I don't have a choice." He whispered back. And it was true. He knew somewhere in the depths of his mind that what he was doing was irrational; insane even. But he had no alternative. Something beyond him was dragging him to Marlene with impossible force.

She took a tentative step forward; no longer caught up in Sirius's drama but trapped in her own thoughts; her own haunting memories. "I used to come here. I used to visit every Holidays. Mrs McKinnon used to come with me to buy my books. Henry taught me to fly. Marlene… I stayed in that room, just behind the window, right next door to-"

"Marlene's." He finished. He didn't know why he was wasting time listening to her. Maybe he was stalling. He wasn't ready for what lay behind those walls. Whatever the reason, he had never found Lily more fascinating. He listened to her words with rapt attention; like a man trapped in the desert, craving water and being fed it drip by drip.

For Lily's part she was almost oblivious to Sirius's presence. She blinked at him when he finished her words, almost as if she had forgotten he was still here, forgotten that he was the reason she had come to this place. Because how could she have any other reason than Marlene? She was as much a part of Lily as her heartbeat. She didn't know a Wizarding World without Marlene. She had been so anxious that first day on the Hogwarts Express, after everything Severus had said about Muggleborns. And yet there was Marlene; a pureblood, already so savvy about the workings of the Wizarding World; so keen and pleased to be her friend. She had introduced her to everything, explained everything to Lily. Without her she would have been lost. Without her she _was_ lost.

She had written to her mum asking for Lily to visit at Christmas within the first week of term. That Christmas had been magical. Despite sharing a dorm for the best part of six months; something about having a sleep-over outside of Hogwarts had both girls excited and in giggles for the entire night. Marlene's family put up with their noise though, with grudging smiles and tired eyes; happy that Marlene had made a nice friend. That was until third year and her older sister snapped. Lily still remembered the moment of terror when Anna swung open Marls door and screamed at them for a solid twenty minutes; interrupting their rousing conversation at three in the morning. Despite the fact that Marlene had erupted into giggles after Anna left, Lily had never felt more guilty and ashamed. None of Marlene's assurances comforted her that Anna did not despise her. But for all Lily's worrying it had become a family joke by the next day.

Even Anna laughed about it; slightly embarrassed after Lily and Marlene offered heart felt apologies at breakfast. She brought them shopping in Diagon Alley that weekend; even treated them to ice-cream.

She hoped Anna wasn't in there.

She had just gotten married. Lily had been there; smiling and dancing and laughing at the speeches. Because she understood their in-jokes, their family secrets. She had been a part of their lives since she was 11. And they had been a part of hers.

Would she ever see this house again? She couldn't imagine coming back to it.

No, this would be the last time.

Her last and final visit to Marlene.

"Are you coming?"

Her words jolted through Sirius like electricity. His uncertain eyes met her fearful gaze and whatever they saw in that glance gave them both courage. He nodded; finding himself unable to speak.

James stepped forward hesitantly, trying to think of someway to deter them; his presence all but unnoticed by the pair as Lily hoisted Sirius to shaky feet.

"Oi! You lot! You can't be here! This is a crime-scene. Are you blind?!" A rather portly man in his late forties bustled over angrily, finally noticing the three young adults standing lost in the middle of the sloping garden. He gestured angrily to the dark mark searing into the sky above them.

"Leave before I have you removed. This isn't play time kids." He added menacingly; looking around for someone to back him up. Sirius ignored him. Now that he was on his feet and so fucking close; it was going to take more that this idiot to stop him. He walked past him; eyes locked on the door that held the scene of his nightmares for the next 15 years. He could hear Lily move behind him; hear James's quiet whispers begging her not to follow.

"Are you deaf too, you daft bugger? Get out of here before I have you arrested!" The man grabbed at his shoulders; hauling him back forcibly. James's outraged yells fell on deaf ears as years of instinct and hours of poorly contained rage over-spilled; and Sirius's fists took over.

Whipping out of the stranger's pudgy hands and ducking the onslaught of Aurors that had coming rushing at the noise; Sirius swung quickly for the man's face; the shuddering crunch and searing pain through his knuckles confirming that he had found his mark. More hands grappled at him as he struggled to get free; his limbs flying everywhere with reckless abandon. Some of the weight against him lifted and he knew that James must have entered the fray; trying to free his friend.

A booming voice cut across the massive brawl as a stout figure shuffled over to inspect the scene. The Aurors stepped back in deference; eyeing both boys with intense dislike. Sirius straightened up slightly to inspect the newcomer; his breath uneven.

One brilliant blue eye whizzed over him in recognition, before flying to inspect Lily and James; equally dishevelled if not as hot tempered. The owner's non magical eye softened slightly; in a rare look of compassion from Mad-Eye.

"Black. What are you doing here?" He barked brusquely. Sirius stared at him, refusing to let his harsh tone and penetrating gaze intimidate him. If he had to knock out Mad-Eye himself; he would reach Marlene.

As it became obvious that Sirius wasn't going to answer; James stepped forward.

"He just had to see Mad-Eye. To believe it. But we'll be going now; sorry we bothered you-"

"I'm not going anywhere." Sirius cut across; pulling himself to his full height and staring down the wizened Auror. At the best of times Sirius's gaze could be intimidating; but on this instance, on this night- it was plain terrifying. James winced at his tone. Sirius would get in trouble for this at the Academy for sure. He couldn't lose Marlene and the Academy in one night. As his friend; he should be stopping this. He should be intervening on Sirius's behalf. He wasn't thinking straight.

But Sirius had stuck by him through so many hare-brained schemes that went awry. This _meant _something to Sirius. And if it was important to Sirius, then it was important to all the Marauders. And James would see it done.

"Moody; _please_."

James softened his tone; gazing beseechingly at his instructor. Both Moody's eyes widened.

"You want- you want me _to let_ you go tearing in there?"

James glanced at Sirius. Yes. Yes that's exactly what he wants.

"Please Moody. _He loved her_." James's tone lowered enough that there could be no mistaking his serious intent. The portly man who had first blocked their path chanced a glance at Sirius's determinedly stoic face; looking somewhat abashed.

"Mad-Eye; we've already removed most of the evidence. I don't think it could do much harm. Let the boy go to her. "

Mad-Eye glanced at his companion; deep in thought. James could tell it went against everything in him to allow an investigation to be potentially corrupted like this; but then he had always had a soft spot for Sirius. Sirius moaned about how much tougher Mad-Eye was on him and grumbled about how James was babied as his favourite; but the truth was that Mad-Eye pushed Sirius so hard because he wanted him to be the best. For some twisted reason; Mad-Eye recognised himself in the rogue and rebellious Black; though they could not be less alike in looks and mannerisms. But they both knew what it was to work for your place in life; they both had talent in abundance and better than that; they both had grit.

And what's more, Mad-Eye had always liked Marlene. She wasn't in the academy with them and had no ambition to be an Auror, but growing up with Aurors for parents meant that Mad-Eye was a constant presence in their household. And as it turned out, if he wasn't grilling you about your form or duelling techniques, Mad-Eye was a pretty nice guy, if rough around the edges. There was a picture somewhere in that house of him and a few other Aurors at some dinner party with the McKinnon's where Marlene had come downstairs in her pyjamas and joined their sing-a-long. She had been so embarrassed by that photo; grinning on the seat beside Mad-Eye, her gap toothed smile and baby hippogriff pyjamas on show for all to see. Her mother had used a permanent sticking charm to prevent her trying to burn it. But of course, James and Sirius found it hilarious that she was in a photo with their instructor and died laughing every time they saw it.

"Alright Black. Ten minutes." His tone was gruff but James could see he was trying to be understanding.

Sirius's shoulder's slackened with relief; yet fear was already mounting in his stomach. "And Evans." He managed; glancing back at Lily for support. She turned wide eyes on Mad-Eye who nodded grimly.

"Don't thank me yet." He muttered; waving the Aurors out of their way. The stout man who had spoken up earlier walked them to the door.

"There's a young woman in the back kitchen. I don't know if she's who you are looking for but beyond that, there's a boy on the stairs and another body upstairs." He was trying to be tactful, Lily supposed, and helpful; but there was no polite way of telling someone that their friends' dead bodies were scattered throughout the house and you'd have to go rooting to find the one you want.

Three bodies.

Then Anna was there too. She hadn't escaped. Lily was so numb she didn't know how she felt about that. She had no more room to grieve for anyone but Marlene.

She nodded her thanks and Sirius offered a hoarse. "Okay."

They halted at the door; steeling themselves as their Auror friend turned away discretely. He offered a sad clap on Sirius's back and a quiet "I'm sorry, mate" before turning away and joining his colleagues further up the drive.

Sirius turned to Lily; reaching for the handle but never breaking eyes with her. He was glad she was here. He would have fallen apart already without her. He needed someone who understood; and maybe she didn't get it fully; but she was as close as he was going to get.

The door swung open with a click of the lock, creaking ominously into the dark hallway beyond. The house was still. Too still; it struck Lily. She had never entered this house without a bustle of noise, or someone calling to them inside. Normally Marls was by her side; wheeling some oversized suitcase noisily through the hall, laughing with Lily while simultaneously yelling at Henry to come help them with their bags. Henry would yell something mildly insulting from upstairs and tell them to carry them themselves and that it served them right for packing every single worldly possession they owned for a two week stay. Then Mrs McKinnon would scold him for being rude to their guest and his sister and Mr McKinnon would come play peace-keeper and carry the girls bags as Mrs McKinnon showered them in hugs and kissed and welcomes and shoved as much food as she could into their mouths while demanding to hear all about their term and their journey and ordering Mr McKinnon where to place their bags. Eventually Mr McKinnon would resurface and kindly save her from Marlene and her mother, bringing them all to dinner to welcome both girls back. Marlene got on great with her family, especially her mum, who tended to get a little excited when they were reunited, with lots of squealing and laughter ensuing.

But she supposed she hadn't seen that sort of welcome since Marlene's parents were murdered. It had still been a warm place to come visit, but it was always that bit quieter for their absence. And now she supposed it would stay a lot quieter for a very long time.

Sirius sighed; releasing a long breath he hadn't known he was holding. She was here. He could feel it. It was almost as if the house knew something terrible had happened. The air was slightly thicker in here; heavy with fear and loss. The darkness was denser; no more cool, white moonlight to offer some sort of guidance. In here they were on their own; nothing but memories and ghosts to offer company.

He was truly terrified at the notion that they were completely alone and somewhere in this house; Marlene's dead body was waiting for them. He couldn't place why it stilled his chilled blood.

But it did.

A sliver of silvery moonlight floated in a window in the kitchen; only just visible at the end of the hallway. One single foot was illuminated by it's light, bare and still on the cold stone of the McKinnon's kitchen floor. By unspoken consent they passed along the hallway; making a slow advance towards it, their own footsteps muffled by the carpet underfoot. As more and more of the body became visible, Sirius felt his gut unclench just briefly.

It was a woman, to be sure, but the calf was longer, more muscular than Marlene's. He'd known from the moment they started walking that it wasn't Marlene but judging from Lily's gasp and flood of racking sobs, she hadn't known until they were standing in the kitchen doorway, staring over the lifeless form of Anna McKinnon. Lily dropped weakly to her knees beside her; clutching her hand and shaking, murmuring things Sirius couldn't even make out. He was staring at the girl's eyes. They were so like Marlene's. The same eyebrows; straight and dark. The same curled eyelashes that faded to an almost blonde at the tips. The same flecks of green through honey brown. And yet so different. They were older, definitely, and slightly rounder, less oval. And dimmer, emptier and hollower than they had any right to be. Eyes like Marlene's should never look like that. It was wrong.

He took a deep breath; unable to keep staring at the dead girl longer than he had to. He had ten minutes and he hadn't come for her sister. Retracing his steps back out the hallway; he took shaky breaths, feeling the air fill his lungs and trying to refocus. Trying to ignore the light, dizzy feeling seeping through his head and the metallic tang in his mouth. It wasn't real. It was like a scene out of one of his nightmares. Only Marlene's home took centre stage instead of 12 Grimmauld Place or Potter Manor. The house was still silent, save for Lily's hollow moans in the kitchen. He glanced at the stairs where the silence seemed heaviest to him; the air darker, suffocating. Following his gut up the steps, he paused as his eyes met with another set; crumpled in the shadows below him and hitting him like a blow to his stomach.

Henry.

He could see where his wand had landed when Henry had fallen; a few steps further up the stairs; almost on the landing. His cold hands were extended towards it; reaching, stretching, hoping. And his eyes. Sirius had never seen them burn with anything but dislike. He'd had never been Henry's favourite. Not that he blamed him.

It was disconcerting to see them burn with any other emotion. Fear? Panic? He couldn't place it. The twisting in his gut told him he didn't want to. Unable to meet them for very long, his gaze drifted down the boy's stilled form. There was something unnatural about it; something off about the angle of his arms; the arch of his back; the way his legs had fallen. He looked…

Sirius felt sick; clutching the stairways for support as his vision swam and his eyesight faded; swimming in and out of focus. Because he had never been more sure he was right when he wished he was wrong. Henry looked as if he'd died writhing in agony. And thought they'd had their differences, the idea of _anyone_ in his life meeting an end like that made him nauseous.

The Cruciatus Curse.

He was sure of it.

Steeling his nerves, he took another deep breath, reassuring himself that that didn't necessarily mean that Marlene had met the same end. Henry was a Junior Auror. It made sense that he would have been subjected to something like this. It was distinctly evil that he should have had to endure it for being brave enough to stand up for what was right; but Sirius saw the logic behind the Death Eater thinking. If everyone who signed onto the Auror programme knew that was the fate in store for them, they'd probably not sign up as readily. He imagined Made-Eye would keep this top secret.

But Marlene was a trainee Healer. There was no logic in prolonging her death. None whatsoever.

Then again, when did Death Eaters ever need an excuse?

Enough of this; he had to leave Henry. There was nothing he could do for him now and he was wasting precious time. He knew in his heart of hearts as he hurried past the McKinnon boy; that the image of him yelling in pain and stretching for his wand, still hoping he could save them both, was not going to leave him ever. For Henry's sake at least, he was glad Marlene was left till last. At least they hadn't made him watch his beloved sister die.

But the flip side of that was that they had made _her_ hear her older brother die, her protector in all things; screaming as they tortured him right outside her door. This very door in fact. He paused outside it, knowing that this was it, the last barrier between them, the last obstacle he had to overcome.

He could practically hear her voice whispering to him from the bedroom behind the door, the secrets of it's walls calling to him; daring him just to _open it_ and know all that they held. Know the last thing she had seen. Know if she'd been in pain.

Know beyond any doubt that she was gone.

Was he ready for that? Ready to really and truly _know_? Right now the slim hope that it was a mistake- that it wasn't her, that she was somehow at home in his apartment waiting for him and that some stranger lay behind this door- it was the only thing keeping him sane.

His fingers reached for the worn pine; smooth and cool to his touch. Who else's hands had touched this exact spot? Marlene's surely. The Death Eaters that had come for her? Their warm hands had once brushed this very wood, only four hours ago. Maybe he was retracing the fingertips of someone he knew. Bellatrix. Snape. Avery.

Maybe even Regulus.

He watched as his pale hands moved of an accord of their own, stretching towards the door and pushing it open slowly. Painfully slowly. The feel of the wood, hard and cold against his fingers sent a jolt through him. He pressed lightly; his blood drumming in his ears for every aching second that that door slid further into the room.

And then it was open and he could see inside; the room illuminated by moonlight and the sickly green glow of the dark mark above the house.

The silver and mossy green light entangled seamlessly, falling upon a room that looked completely untouched. Sirius took a hesitant step in; feeling as though he was crossing some invisible boundary. This was Marlene's room, _her _space. He shouldn't be in here without her permission. It was too private. And yet he couldn't help himself. His throat constricted as familiar photos lined the walls, waving happily down at him. Magazines and make-up were scattered across her dressing table; her healer's uniform hanging on the back of her wardrobe. Her bedspread was the same pink and white butterfly pattern she'd had since fifth year and her wardrobe and trunk still had that distinct air of over packing; looking like clothes would explode out of them at any second.

She could have been doing anything when they burst into her home and tore their lives apart. She could have been listening to records, flicking through magazines or writing some letter. The room even smelled faintly of her scent; strawberry shampoo mixed with whatever floral perfume she wore. It bore every trace of innocence shattered, of a sanctuary destroyed. She should have been safe here. This was the room she'd slept in as a child. The room where her parents had come to tuck her in at night.

But then he remembered that her parents too were dead. This room probably hadn't seemed the sanctuary it had once been to Marlene in quite some time. He hated how the Death Eaters had ruined her, had broken her life and crumbled it to dust beneath their heel. She hadn't deserved it. None of them had. Not even Henry and her father. They had paid the ultimate price for something they believed in. But it was their risk to take. They had signed on knowing all the risks and dangers. Marlene and her sister had signed up for nothing. They had been no part of this. Sure, Marlene was in the Order; but nobody outside of them knew that. And none of them would have told. For all intents and purposes, the Death Eaters had killed her for being born into the family she was born into. Seemed to be a habit of theirs.

And then, almost as if he'd known she was there the entire time, but couldn't bring himself to face her; Sirius finally saw her. Lying on her side on the floor by her bed; her hair slipping over her face a little and her hands side by side in front of her chest. But unmistakeably Marlene. He stood stock still; staring at her. Willing her to move. Blinking and hoping that when he looked at her again, he'd see something different. Some crook in her nose or freckle on her cheek that would prove that this imposter was not her.

"Marlene." He whispered.

He didn't know what he was expecting. What he was hoping for. But he had called to her and she didn't answer. He was standing in front of her and she couldn't see him. She lay still, untouched and unflinching; probably in the very position she'd fallen into after the curse struck the air from her lungs. She was truly gone and nothing of the girl he'd loved remained behind to comfort him. He was alone, even here with her. He'd never been more alone or more conscious of the fact. James had been right. Coming here was a mistake.

He feared he'd never be able to leave now. Never be able to pick himself up and walk out the door into a life where she was gone. Here at least, was limbo. Here he could pretend everything wasn't real. Here he didn't need to face life without her, not just yet. But if he left this house? Woke up tomorrow in his own bed and… did what? What would he do? How would he even begin to go about piecing his life back together?

"Marlene." He tried again, firmer this time as he crumpled to his knees by her side; sweeping the hair quickly out of her face and hugging her close to him, trying desperately to give her some of his warmth. She was so cold. So, so cold. She remained lifeless in his arms, a limp doll filled with whispers of horrors and dark secrets she had no life to breathe. He pulled her face towards him, his gaze boring into her unfocused eyes, refusing to accept this. There was something that could be done, he just wasn't seeing it!

"Come on Marls." His whispers grew more frantic, more pleading as he shook her shoulders roughly. She was unresponsive. The dead girl in his arms didn't care about anything or anyone. She was impassive, made of stone and carved in scary likeness to his Marlene. But Marlene never looked this empty, never stayed that still. Marlene wouldn't watch him cry and beg and plead and remain indifferent. She would find a way to help him. If there was any bit of Marlene left; she would find a way.

This wasn't her.

Of course not.

She's gone, Sirius. You knew that.

"Marlene." He whispered again, this time not begging, not pleading; but crying. Tears were falling rapidly and he couldn't stop them. He couldn't do anything. Nothing but stare into her eyes and wish a thousand things differently. Nothing but feel his heart shatter as she gazed listlessly at the ceiling behind him and wish that he had done things differently. Maybe he couldn't have saved her. But he could have done so much more with the time they'd had. If he'd been better; who knows? Maybe he would be lying there beside her, cold and frozen. Maybe she would still be living at his apartment and be safe.

Alive.

Lily watched from the shadow of the doorway as Sirius cried over the girl's body, her form melded with the shadows of the dark hallway. She'd delayed as long as she could. Crying over Henry's broken form and thanking him for all he'd done for her. For terrorising the Slytherins that picked on her in third year. For giving her that hangover solution that time and not telling his parent's that it was him they'd robbed the firewhiskey from. For coming to collect them both from numerous Potter parties and not asking too many questions when he did. She told him she was sorry this was his fate. He didn't deserve it. He was unfailingly, one of the best people she knew.

But she needed to see Marlene. She needed to see her best friend. Every fibre in her exhausted, aching body was driving her onwards, propelling her forwards to the room at the tip of the stairs. The room where Marlene lay dead. Marlene, who knew her every secret, her every mood. The girl who read her better than even James could.

Because what was James in comparison to Marlene? What was the two years they'd lived together in comparison to the eight she'd lived with Marlene? He was her husband, and she loved him; but Marlene was her sister. The sister she _wished_ she'd had. She was half of her. They'd never been separated like this and she'd come to believe they never would be. She'd become complacent; lulled into the false sense of security that time had brought. It'd been years since her parents had been taken. If Voldemort wanted all of the McKinnons he had had ample time to strike.

So stupid of her. So stupid of her to drop her guard for even a second. So stupid not to visit more, not to write more, not to… to go out and get drunk and go dancing every weekend with her best friend. So stupid not to have asked a thousand things.

Because now she'd never get the chance. Now all she had was ever fading memories and that fuzzy nostalgic feeling of youth to associate with the girl who had shared in every big occasion in Lily's life. And more importantly the tiny, mundane passing things that had filled the redhead's world. Who would she write ranting letters about James's lack of hygiene to? Who would she squeal with whenever the Weird Sisters released a new concert date?

And all of it destroyed by this. _Her murder_. She stared numbly at the slight body in Sirius's arms, somehow knowing that that wasn't her Marlene. Her Marlene was long gone. Lily hoped with all her heart that she'd found her parents, happily reunited with her brother and sister and was watching them grieve smugly, in satisfaction at how important she'd been to them. The notion was as comforting as it was heart breaking. Lily had never believed in a God, but for Marlene she would. If it saw Marlene safe and happy she'd believe anything. Because without that comfort… Could she ever hear the name Marlene and smile? Or would the girl forever occupy a silent presence in their lives; the name that no one wanted to bring up, the name that everyone tiptoed around, but the person that everyone thought of with their every waking breath.

Now that she was this close, it was only Sirius stopping Lily from swooping down and hugging her oldest friend, making her promises to never forget and always to cherish. But she'd never seen him cry before. In all that they'd endured it seemed an odd thing not to have noticed, but there it was. He was falling apart in front of her and she had not a clue what to do. She doubted even James would. His sobs were too raw, his whispers too hoarse, his movements too desperate… She couldn't watch it and yet she couldn't turn away.

"She loved you Sirius."

He didn't look up at her voice, too consumed with committing every detail of the girl in his arms to his memory. He wouldn't forget. He would never forget and he would never move on. She'd been it and pretending with anyone else seemed pointless.

"Sirius. She really did." Lily slipped a small hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly.

She stepped back as he took steadying breaths, giving him privacy to come to grips with the fact that they would have to leave her soon. She cast her gaze around the room, familiar in the cruellest of ways. Her own happy face beamed down at her from some of the photos on the wall. Marlene mustn't have changed them in years. But the distinct absence of Sirius's face in any of the pictures was a subtle enough clue that Marlene had at least removed a few, if not deigning to put many new photos up. But then, there were a few she didn't recognise. Pictures with Healer friends Lily had only known by name and through Marlene's incessant gossip. Photos from Anna's wedding that Lily hadn't seen yet.

There was one of the three of them, smiling outside the front door of this very house. The sun was streaming through the trees that lined the McKinnon's driveway; her mother's prize petunias in full bloom behind Henry and Anna and Marlene. Henry looked dashing in his suit; and Anna was the picture of happiness and beauty that every bride should be; her veil blowing slightly in the breeze camera and clocking Marlene in the face. The blonde, distinctly shorter than her brother and even than her older sister; waved it off with an irritated scowl, before chuckling grudgingly too. They looked happy. Who would have guessed then that in two short months..?

It felt like a distant life. Like that day was a dream; a particularly vivid one that was doomed to fade from memory.

Her gaze fell to another photo, one of them at their first Hogsmeade trip; her wrapped around Marlene's shoulders as they winked cheekily at the camera, eyes fresh and twinkling out from between hats and scarves.

She swallowed painfully.

Sirius took an unsteady breath, brushing her pale hair out of her face for the thousandth time. She was so beautiful. So painfully beautiful. He knew what Lily was doing. Trying to get him to say goodbye because time was running out. Any second Moody would come back and they'd have to leave her here in the cold darkness to be examined and prodded by their spells. He couldn't do it. He couldn't abandon her to it. He wouldn't leave her alone.

"Lily… I can't. I can't do this."

She knelt behind him, both of them staring in silence down at the slight blonde that had been the centre of both their lives. It broke Lily's heart that Marls didn't even know they were there. She didn't even know that they'd come for her. That both of them were broken and shattered; kneeling devastated by her side.

"I know Sirius."

She couldn't either.


End file.
